The Prodigal Blogger Returns: And This Time, It's Personal!

Look at that. An update! Im guessing the two people that read this have given up so I can say whatever I want! Poopy! Aha! Edgy.

So I think I'll do what every blogger has done at one point or another. (Extreme sound effects) Create a question/answer thingy! But this won't just be any question answer thingy... it'll be the rootinist, tootinist, blogginist, redemptonist thing that it is... ever! So hold on to your face holes, we're going in!

a) If you were a tree, what kind would you be?

1) A lovable fern.
2) An happy willow (Irony alert!).
3) A strong cholla.
4) An angry pine tree.
5) A raping redwood.

b) If the world was ending and you had just enough room in your bomb shelter for your family but your lazy neighbors wanted in, you would...

1) Start digging a shelter for them.
2) Convince yourself you can all fit.
3) Plug your ears and hum as they beg for their lives outside.
4) Install a camera outside in advance to watch them die.
5) Trade your wife and kids in for better ones.

c) You see an old woman trying with all of her might to throw her garbage in a dumpster. It would only take you a second or so to do it, but with her feeble arms its taking her quite some time. You would...

1) Rush over and toss it for her, then ask what else you can do.
2) Throw away her garbage then rush off before you get hooked in for more charity.
3) Throw her trash out, but demand payment for your services.
4) Rush past her, dancing and singing about the blessings of youth.
5) Wait for her to be finished then take all of her trash out and leave it by her front door.

d) If you could go back in time, what would you do?

1) Risk life and limb trying to prevent tragedies, like American Idol, from ever happening.
2) Convince a lost love that that muscle bound loser is wrong for her.
3) Tell yourself lottery numbers.
4) Change history to correspond with the answers you gave on your history final.
5) Prevent your birth just to see what happens.

e) If you could switch bodies with one person, who would it be and why?

1) The CEO of Walmart to give your workers benefits with the money you usually blow your nose with.
2) Your favorite celebrity to feel what it's like not to be so small and useless like you are now.
3) Anjelina Jolie. Just for a shower.
4) A scientist to create a race of lobster men who would do your bidding.
5) A harsh tyrant, so you can crush human spirit by forcing people to listen to the jonas brohers (this will include people eating their own brains).

f) What is the one thing you feel you must accomplish before you die?

1) Desegregate goth kids. (Have you ever seen a black goth kid?)
2) Have a family so you can live through your children. Pushing your hopes and therefore failures on them.
3) Become rich without actually earning it. i.e. Paris Hilton, Lyndsay Lohan, or Steve Jobs. Open your legs and you'll get anything you want.
4) Segregate Emo kids.
5) Create a series of spoof movies that don't actually parody anything. Instead they just parade a never ending supply of pop culture references, destroying the minds of an entire generation. Convincing them that all you need to be funny is put your lame characters in a 30 second scene from a popular movie followed by another then another then another.

Wow, that was short. Or was it? I'm new at this.

So now you have to add up your score and look for what this means you are. Oh, I can't wait.

5-10: You're such a great person. You're giving and selfless. I just don't have those feelings for you. You're going to make someone very happy someday. I hope we can be friends.

11-15: Hey, that's not too bad. You try to be a good person, but you're probably just a phony who really only wants to play video games. You wouldn't kill Bambi's mom, but you would eat her.

16-20: Well you're just a hunk of lame aren't you. Look, at you. Staring at your computer screen. Probably perfected typing with one hand haven't you? Well, that silo explosion is no excuse for a life of sloth and disdain for Arrested Development!

21-25: You killed Bambi's mom for a single cigarette. You've got the world at your fingertips but they're covered in peanut butter and chocolate. I like your style.

26-30: You're just a terrible person all around. I would save a french person before I saved you! Honestly, french! What with how they think they're better than everyone and don't bathe. I also hate how you stereotype others!

Annoying to the Extreme!

I've never been an animal person. There are many many reasons for my overall aversion. Like the fact that growing up I never had a pet. My parents were always strictly against the idea of having yet another mouth to feed. I have to admit I understand. I would rather have another kid over a pet any day. The kid would one day learn to appreciate all you've done for it where the dog or cat would probably never stop thinking the food materialised in the bowl everyday.



Another reason for my general dislike of the filth denizens is my jobs, past and present. When I was a mailman I was always on edge. Seemingly around every corner was a dog whose life's ambition was to eat me. I was chased out of more yards then I wasn't. After my allotted year had run out and the union decided I wasn't allowed to deliver mail anymore (Not a fan of unions. But that's another rant), my postal colleagues were all surprised I had lasted the whole year without being ravaged by a dog.



After that I got a job at what I affectionately refer to as, The Hippie Pet Food Store. There I would have to, almost on a biweekly basis, clean amorphous yellow puddles left by our patrons pets. Usually the customer would just stand there watching me, not trying very hard to sound remorseful.



After a while that job just wasn't making up for living expenses. So a'second job a'hunting I went. My second job materialized in the form of cleaning pools by adding chemicals. It paid better and the benefits were surprisingly beneficial. Of course there was a dark cloud to this silver lining. Just last week I was bitten by two dogs on the same day. On an average, I get attacked by about 6 dogs a day.



The other day I had a bit of an epiphany though. It isnt so much that I hate dogs. I more hate dog owners. Don't get me wrong. Not all dog owners are bad people. Many dog owners are responsible and smart enough to own a dog. Its just there are so many dog owners that are either too lazy or just plain too stupid to be able to properly care for an animal.



Take this woman whose pool I clean every other wednesday. The first time I serviced her pool, her dog ran after me and I had to jump the fence. She saw this. The next time she came out of her house and explained that her dog would never bite anyone. That sounded great. Except that the entire time she was talking to me her dog had its teeth out and kept jumping at me. The only reason it didnt bite me was because I kept deflecting it's face with my bleach jug. With all of this happening right in front of her the woman still never brings her dog inside when I service her pool. Every other week I have to risk the seat of my pants running for her wall which I have then have to flip over like Im Jackie Chan.



The downright pompous idiocy of people like this woman never ceases to amaze me. I swear, when the good Lord was handing out brains this woman said, "No, thankyou. I'll have the pudding."



You should have to get a pet license before you're allowed to own a pet. Think about it. I know there are a lot of pets out there and it seems like less people being able to own them would only make more of them homeless. But if only responsible people were allowed to own pets than the people who would have pets, but not get the neutered, wouldn't be able to own them, so there would be less homeless pets. You see?



The test to get a pet license would look something like this.



+Would you carry your pet in a purse?

+Would you have a broken fence that your dog would easily get out of?

+Would you ignore leash laws?

+Do you really believe your dog would never bite anyone?

+Are you stupid?



If the person answers yes to any of these questions, THEY will be spayed or neutered.

The Beginning!

Woo wee! Look at me blogging! What a blogger I am!

Sure hope I'm doing this correctly. At any right, I've decided to give this whole blogging thing a shot. I figure it will be a good outlet for my growing need to be creative through writing. Not to mention just a tad therapeutic.

Uh'oh. This thing doesn't seem to have a spell check. My Achilles heel! Oh well, I'm sure my writing will still be much more coherent than the average bloggist. No offense of course.

If you haven't given up on me yet, than good for you! As I promise this will likely be the funniest blog you've ever laid your eyes on! Sometimes...

At any rate, on to the blogging of feelings and amusing musings!

I shall start with the depressing stuff. I'm depressed. It seems to be all the time! A brief glimpse into this would be to paraphrase the brilliant Chris Cornell. "I only want you when I'm down, but I'm down all the time." Wait, I don't remember if I'm supposed to use quotation marks if I'm paraphrasing. And yes, I will likely be critiquing my writing every singe post. It's what I do. Anywho, I like that song because its a weird mix of depressing and hopeful.

Back on topic. I'm often depressed, but you can ask anyone, I'm never a downer. I like making people happy. Ever since I was a wee tot, I believed my purpose, if I had to pick one, would be to make everyone around me as happy as possible. I'm a joker. I'm a clown. If you aren't smiling, I've failed. I've never been a lover, but if I had to guess, I'd say I would be an unselfish one. Always more concerned that the people around me are enjoying themselves. (heyo)

Now you're thinking, "How can you be a clown and depressed?" To be honest, I don't quite understand it myself. I suppose I've always been a bit of a pessimist and a misanthrope. The average person you meet on the street doesn't deserve half of what they have and they want more without earning it.

Well, I've spent too much time being sad. On to amusing!

Today I watched 'Legend of Drunken Master'. Its so crappy awesome! Like, what awful acting, and you can't ask for a sillier plot, but I bet I could watch nothing but Jackie Chan being Jackie Chan for hours and hours without ever getting tired of it. It makes you look at regular old things like stairs or a mop and think about how you could use them to beat up an assailant. You almost want to get mugged while holding a flower pot with nice strong roots. Oh, yeah. That'd be sweet.

You know what I hate? People who got their jobs without deserving it. I couldn't tell you how many times I've read something in the local weekly newspaper and just wanted to punch myself in the Adam's apple. The movie reviews are downright horrendous! It's like all they did was read a synopsis of the plot and figured that was enough. The cartoons cause a little tumor to form in my brain every time I make the mistake of reading them. The section where they answer people's personal problems is just the idiot "writer's" personal forum, where he refuses to actually answer the questions. Example...

"Dear Deusche Wad,

I find myself unable to cope with society and every day is another kick to groin. How should I best fend off manic depressive thoughts?

Sincerly, Desperate for Help

Dear Desperate,

The border should be opened for anyone who wants to come in. America is the land of oppurtunity, so why do we stop terrorists from doing what would make them most happy? Also, stay away from old white men. Their skin is a poison and their voices lure lonely sailors to their doom!

Sincerely, Biggest Deusche Wad Ever!

P.S. You're a terrible person for not caring about feline suffrage."

You'd be surprised how very little I'm exaggerating. As both a cartoonist and a writer, it makes me sick to see these hacks getting paid to defecate on paper!

That's probably enough for my first blog. Hopefully the blog police won't come after me. I'd watch that show. "Lazy bloggers, lazy bloggers. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?" Is it just me or do they say "Cops was filmed in front of a live studio audience" before the show?

Hey! This does have a spell check!